Narnia Dispatches: November 2021

Pertaining to and addressing the following:

* Tay Swift's lyrics

* The first AND second release of All Too Well

* Twitter and Instagram reaction to previously stated

* Gossip sites, press, talk show hosts, comedians, verified accounts and other assorted bandwagon'ers "joining in" to previously stated

48 Days.

Or 6.8 weeks.

Or 1.5 months

1152 hours.

Or 69,120 minutes.

THAT's how long the fauxmance between Jake Gyllenhaal and singer Taylor Swift carried on.

Not three months.

These two fans can't decide how long ago, 10 years ago or 11 years ago.

THIS fan thinks (after studying lyrics) it's possible they dated for eight months.

As Jake once said to a fan back in the day, "No, no, no, no, no!"

There are many reasons Taylor Swift is re-releasing her stunt albums about PR relationships again. Sure she has the principled cover story of trying to reclaim her music, after being done wrong by Scooter Braun. *rolls eyes* But, all one has to do is look at how carefully crafted this rollout has been, with social media trends, celebrities and "news" outlets (we see you CNN), to see that she is doubling down on the fakery in an effort to convince a whole new generation about her victimhood.

After all, "The bigger the lie, the more it will be believed." - Joseph Goebbels

Add in the high profile SNL performance of her 10-minute "version of events", rewritten eleven years later, and one can easily see that this is an elaborate PR-Reboot of a publicity stunt that ironically, back in the day, failed bigly. Look even closer and rewriting history doesn't even begin to capture what is going on here with relation to the closet. Not only does she get to beard without the risk and messiness of actually having to date anyone (the "I 💓 T.S." wifebeater t-shirt debacle with Tom Hiddleston, anyone?) but Jake gets the benefit of being aligned with a female, without even having to lift a finger (even if it is a retread).

Remember, just like Hiddleston, Jake took a huge blow to his career back in 2010 because of this 48-day pairing. Back then, there were Jake Gyllenhaal gay blogs like Oh My Godot, plus Waiting for Toothy 2, and chat site DataLounge writing in real time about all the fakery and mistakes being made.

Yet, even now, there's no push back from the Gyllenhaal camp regarding any of this nonsense. Not a peep, in fact. The easily duped argue it's because he's ashamed of what he did to poor Taylor. Those who are well-informed know it's part of the contract. Part of the deal. She gets publicity to sell more records while Jake gets publicity as a heartless cad who took her virginity and then dumped her. The best het cover ever!

At the time when the fauxmance was first revealed on October 23/24, 2010 (Taylor Swift and Jake hit their spots by showing up at an SNL after-party), Jake was the laughing stock of the Internet. Articles and bloggers made fun of the story line and how the timing was pitch perfect to sell her third album (Speak Now, released October 25, 2010) as well as to promote Jake's movie, Love and Other Drugs, (released November 24, 2010). Michael K. who ran one of the most hilarious and perceptive gay blogs at the time (Dlisted), probably summed it up best:

To me, Jakey Gyllenhaal is a wholesome 14-year-old white country girl on the inside and a fragile Brawny man on the outside, so this pairing really isn't pulling a WTF out of me. Can't you just picture Jakey and Taylor Swift skipping hand-in-hand down a dirt country road while whistling the melody to some Disney song and waving at the birds in the trees and shit. Then Taylor pulls out her ukulele (or whatever the hell she carries around) and serenades Jakey with a song about how a rainbow is just a black cloud's smile while he twirls around the strawberry patch like the precious ballerina princess he is. They are like every montage from every G-rated romantic comedy or animated film.

Both Lainey Gossip and Life & Style's Scene Queens are saying that 20-year-old Taylor and 29-year-old Jakey have been spending a little time together. Lainey says that Taylor brought Jakey to the SNL after-party to hang out with her friend Emma Stone. And a source tells Life & Style that Jakey and Taylor were holding hands while struttin' their asses around Park Slope in Brooklyn yesterday afternoon.

And I bet they were giggling. Taylor Swift's natural squint is due to her foolish ass giggling all the time! They don't even talk, they just giggle and peck at each other's cheeks. Like I'm sure they even held hands and giggled in front of their lawyers at the contract signing for their new relationship. - [the link for this DListed post has the dreaded "404" message, but you can see the original link here in this Facebook post]

Boom!

And why stop there? Ted's post is still online, let's see what Ted Casablanca was ~~smirking about~~, saying at the time:

It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal's relaysh is about as hot and steamy as a long-chilled latté (ya know, like the ones from his coffee dates with Reese Witherspoon, duh!) or they'd risk melting all the frozen treats they're so happily licking up together.

Oh, you hadn't heard about their romantic weekend away? Get ready to say "awww"! Or puke...

The whirlwind romance that seems to have come right out of a fairy tale sparked up last week in NYC, and the Gyllenswift train has shown no signs of stopping. First it was all backstage canoodling and apple picking, but things have quickly heated up to...

Ice cream dates!

If this pace keeps up, we'll be going on Pottery Barn outings before you know it! Slow down, you crazy kids, we're not ready to make that sort of commitment yet!

Following a romantic weekend at the posh Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur, Calif., the twosome were spotted at McConnell's Ice Cream Parlor in Santa Barbara.

"They came in [Monday]," says an employee of McConnell's Ice Cream. "There were young customers in here, and our girls who worked here are young and they recognized them right away. Everyone was excited and asked to take pictures with them, which they obliged to do."

Trust, we didn't expect the newest It couple to protest being recognized too much—especially when Us Weekly reports Tay couldn't keep her trap shut, laughing at everything oh-so-hilarious Jake said. Plus a little hand-holding is always a good test of the gag reflex.

The employee says the famous duo seemed like they were in a great mood...except for the fact that they couldn't make up their minds as to what type of ice cream to order. Can you handle this much drama?

"[Taylor] got a suggestion from one of our workers; she ordered chocolate burnt almond, and he got custard vanilla yogurt. They were very nice and seemed comfortable around each other," adds the worker bee.

"They weren't lovey-dovey though."

OK, now we are kind of surprised.

Source: E-Online, “Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift: The Couple That Licks Together Sticks Together”, November 03, 2010

Let's throw in the ol' staged pap walk to push the idea that Swift had already met Jake's family at Thanksgiving and the classic ramping-up right before the crash and burn was inevitable. Then again, these were the days when Jake's escapades were being scrutinized by sentient beings:

Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift - Thanksgiving November 25, 2010

Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ramona and Taylor Swift - Thanksgiving, November 25, 2010

At the time, people noticed how this was a "set" design. Given that both pics were "taken" in front of the same backdrop. LOL! The leaves gave it away. Tsk, tsk. Imagine having to work on Thanksgiving to sell your bearding contract.

With so much push back from the public, calling these two out on their nonsense, the countdown began for the breakup. Fourteen days later, on December 9, 2010 (the last time these two were seen together), the final dramatic scene was shot, and X-17 Online got the scoop.

Narnia will spare our readers and refrain ourselves from posting all 14 paparazzi clicks of the camera, but we had to share a few for the entertainment value. Hey, if we have to suffer through this dumpster fire again, so do the rest of you!

Setting the scene - Just a leisurely drive


Story unfolds: Taylor sees the paps and calls the cops


Jake lets the paps know they are calling the cops

Jake angry

And, SCENE!

Such star-crossed "lovers" with a ~~farcical~~ relationship doomed to fail. *sniff*

Oh, and there were some other stories about Jake giving her an $11,000 guitar for her birthday which kept the lie going for another 27 days, but Jake made sure when that contract was signed, that he would be able to spend his birthday and the holidays with his real husband and children. In the meantime, Swift used the rest of the month to keep the fake relationship on fumes. That is until the agreed upon official termination date of January 5, 2011.

At least, Us Weekly was closer to the truth with their two-month fauxmance chronology.

All this drama and victimhood for what? For 48 days of fanfic. Let's face it. Either Taylor Swift is a loon (and the jury is still out on that), or she's a beard, one that counts on the complicity of the media and the Entertainment Industry's homophobia to keep gay men in the closet by providing content via songs, TV shows [we're looking at you, Happy Together and HBO's, Euphoria], and now Swift's 10-minute "All Too Well" short film, to generate more profits. It's literally an essential component of her Business Plan. Social media always at the ready to keep the unsuspecting masses in line through confusion, lies, chaos, shifting timelines, and celebrity enablers.