The you-know-what's getting real when you see Jim Cantore come to your town, and well, look who has come to Narnia Dispatches to give us an update on Storm Jaustin:
Jaustin fans have not seen the likes of this kind of onslaught for years.
With the Jaustin Perfect Storm comes a 99% chance of dancing dogs, Panda board shorts, and party horn Jarhead dance shout outs. Let's examine the latest coordinates as we seem to have recently passed through the eye of the squall:
"Girls? Calling all girls to come over here for a quick picture, k?"
"And this picture is called, 'Full Moon Against the Sand' " - Sister Wendy
"Don't worry! I saw Kramer & Elaine Benes do this in a Seinfeld episode."
"Let's get those girls back over here for a conga line, whadya think?"
"Hee hee hee, c'mon now, Greta! Only Austin gets near the nipples."
"Yup. Livin' on a Prayer. I'm living it."
Even the Austin & Bennet cell activity has been winding down lately as there are only so many party horns that can physically fit inside one's nose (and elsewhere on one's person as Austin illustrates directly below):
In the wake of this Hollywood style synchronized sh*tstorm, the question remains: What could have caused the timing of this severe turbulence? Certainly not global "warming," right? No, no, Mother Nature does not seem to be behind the climatic activity of such gyrating patterns.
Could the timing and force behind these unprecedented tandem antics be the ballot submissions due soon for the BAFTA and Oscar voting? There's no doubt that Jake is obsessed with being nominated, just by looking at his twitter feed over the last several years.
If Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't win an Oscar for his performance in Nocturnal Animals i'm gonna fight the academy— m (@cinematicfranco) January 2, 2017
Omkar Koolkarni (@om2kool)
2/25/15, 05:12
Oscars: 'Guardians of the Galaxy' Director Slams 'Lego Movie,' Jake Gyllenhaal Snubs http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/oscars-guardians-galaxy-director-slams-764342 via @thr
@GYLLENCRAZY: Give the man that Oscar already "Is sneaky 'Nightcrawler' inching its way into Oscars' Best Picture race? http://shar.es/13sOEj #Gyllenhaal
Went to @ODEONCinemas Unseen and saw @NightcrawlerUK. Wow. Dear Oscar voters, give Jake Gyllenhaal the Oscar. What a role! What a film!
-Jake Gyllenhaal is an Oscar nominated actor who should have more than one nomination but has been robbed quite a few times.
@LargePeas
These kinds of tweets are routine on Jake's social media search. In fact, the messaging is a daily, steady occurrence and has been for several years. Combined with the last few weeks of a simultaneous, over-the-top, heterosexual-push for both men, and the approach of final voting submissions for the BAFTA - due on January 3, 2017, and the Academy Award nominations - due January 13, 2017, it is not beyond the realm or the audacity of Jake's management team to make a strategic investment in their client at an opportune time.
Here's a hint for Mgmnt to consider in the future. Next time, try directing some funds used for those ridiculously priced panda shorts to buy your client a discount pass to a tanning salon. That way the farce might at least look more believable. Because after basking in the sunny climes of St. Barts, those bare-skinned pictures released today (after six days of outdoor cavorting about) shouldn't require the viewer to have to wear high-performance dark glasses to avoid the glare of milky white skin.
Then again, maybe Jake was only in St. Barts for a one-day excursion, short and sweet, with enough wardrobe changes and pap pics to make the unsuspecting public think he's been spending his entire post-Christmas break with his "platonic" bestie, Greta. Could be this "storm" was like a microburst "hazing" to gain admission once again into Club Oscar. Looks like we'll need to wait until Jan. 10 for BAFTA nominations and Jan. 24 for the Oscar announcements to see if the efforts made over the past several weeks were worth the while to be considered for one or both of these honors:
Jake Gyllenhaal needs a f**king Oscar he's our new guy now
When are people going to realize Jake Gyllenhaal is the best actor of our generation?
Here's a hint for Mgmnt to consider in the future. Next time, try directing some funds used for those ridiculously priced panda shorts to buy your client a discount pass to a tanning salon. That way the farce might at least look more believable. Because after basking in the sunny climes of St. Barts, those bare-skinned pictures released today (after six days of outdoor cavorting about) shouldn't require the viewer to have to wear high-performance dark glasses to avoid the glare of milky white skin.
Then again, maybe Jake was only in St. Barts for a one-day excursion, short and sweet, with enough wardrobe changes and pap pics to make the unsuspecting public think he's been spending his entire post-Christmas break with his "platonic" bestie, Greta. Could be this "storm" was like a microburst "hazing" to gain admission once again into Club Oscar. Looks like we'll need to wait until Jan. 10 for BAFTA nominations and Jan. 24 for the Oscar announcements to see if the efforts made over the past several weeks were worth the while to be considered for one or both of these honors:
collaboration: Methodical Muser & PG
pic sources: garysanis, giphy, IHJ, Instagram, artnet News,
The Express Tribune
our playlist: Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
State of Shock - Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger
Help! - The Beatles
