The you-know-what's getting real when you see Jim Cantore come to your town, and well, look who has come to Narnia Dispatches to give us an update on Storm Jaustin:
Jaustin fans have not seen the likes of this kind of onslaught for years.
With the Jaustin Perfect Storm comes a 99% chance of dancing dogs, Panda board shorts, and party horn Jarhead dance shout outs. Let's examine the latest coordinates as we seem to have recently passed through the eye of the squall:
"Girls? Calling all girls to come over here for a quick picture, k?"
"And this picture is called, 'Full Moon Against the Sand' " - Sister Wendy
"Don't worry! I saw Kramer & Elaine Benes do this in a Seinfeld episode."
"Let's get those girls back over here for a conga line, whadya think?"
"Hee hee hee, c'mon now, Greta! Only Austin gets near the nipples."
"Yup. Livin' on a Prayer. I'm living it."
Even the Austin & Bennet cell activity has been winding down lately as there are only so many party horns that can physically fit inside one's nose (and elsewhere on one's person as Austin illustrates directly below):
In the wake of this Hollywood style synchronized sh*tstorm, the question remains: What could have caused the timing of this severe turbulence? Certainly not global "warming," right? No, no, Mother Nature does not seem to be behind the climatic activity of such gyrating patterns.
Could the timing and force behind these unprecedented tandem antics be the ballot submissions due soon for the BAFTA and Oscar voting? There's no doubt that Jake is obsessed with being nominated, just by looking at his twitter feed over the last several years.
If Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't win an Oscar for his performance in Nocturnal Animals i'm gonna fight the academy— m (@cinematicfranco) January 2, 2017
Omkar Koolkarni (@om2kool)
2/25/15, 05:12
Oscars: 'Guardians of the Galaxy' Director Slams 'Lego Movie,' Jake Gyllenhaal Snubs http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/oscars-guardians-galaxy-director-slams-764342 via @thr
@GYLLENCRAZY: Give the man that Oscar already "Is sneaky 'Nightcrawler' inching its way into Oscars' Best Picture race? http://shar.es/13sOEj #Gyllenhaal
Went to @ODEONCinemas Unseen and saw @NightcrawlerUK. Wow. Dear Oscar voters, give Jake Gyllenhaal the Oscar. What a role! What a film!
-Jake Gyllenhaal is an Oscar nominated actor who should have more than one nomination but has been robbed quite a few times.
@LargePeas
These kinds of tweets are routine on Jake's social media search. In fact, the messaging is a daily, steady occurrence and has been for several years. Combined with the last few weeks of a simultaneous, over-the-top, heterosexual-push for both men, and the approach of final voting submissions for the BAFTA - due on January 3, 2017, and the Academy Award nominations - due January 13, 2017, it is not beyond the realm or the audacity of Jake's management team to make a strategic investment in their client at an opportune time.
Here's a hint for Mgmnt to consider in the future. Next time, try directing some funds used for those ridiculously priced panda shorts to buy your client a discount pass to a tanning salon. That way the farce might at least look more believable. Because after basking in the sunny climes of St. Barts, those bare-skinned pictures released today (after six days of outdoor cavorting about) shouldn't require the viewer to have to wear high-performance dark glasses to avoid the glare of milky white skin.
Then again, maybe Jake was only in St. Barts for a one-day excursion, short and sweet, with enough wardrobe changes and pap pics to make the unsuspecting public think he's been spending his entire post-Christmas break with his "platonic" bestie, Greta. Could be this "storm" was like a microburst "hazing" to gain admission once again into Club Oscar. Looks like we'll need to wait until Jan. 10 for BAFTA nominations and Jan. 24 for the Oscar announcements to see if the efforts made over the past several weeks were worth the while to be considered for one or both of these honors:
Jake Gyllenhaal needs a f**king Oscar he's our new guy now
When are people going to realize Jake Gyllenhaal is the best actor of our generation?
Here's a hint for Mgmnt to consider in the future. Next time, try directing some funds used for those ridiculously priced panda shorts to buy your client a discount pass to a tanning salon. That way the farce might at least look more believable. Because after basking in the sunny climes of St. Barts, those bare-skinned pictures released today (after six days of outdoor cavorting about) shouldn't require the viewer to have to wear high-performance dark glasses to avoid the glare of milky white skin.
Then again, maybe Jake was only in St. Barts for a one-day excursion, short and sweet, with enough wardrobe changes and pap pics to make the unsuspecting public think he's been spending his entire post-Christmas break with his "platonic" bestie, Greta. Could be this "storm" was like a microburst "hazing" to gain admission once again into Club Oscar. Looks like we'll need to wait until Jan. 10 for BAFTA nominations and Jan. 24 for the Oscar announcements to see if the efforts made over the past several weeks were worth the while to be considered for one or both of these honors:
collaboration: Methodical Muser & PG
pic sources: garysanis, giphy, IHJ, Instagram, artnet News,
The Express Tribune
our playlist: Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
State of Shock - Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger
Help! - The Beatles
5 comments:
The whole several weeks of stunting rolled as though on a treadmill. "Jane, stop this crazy thing!" as George Jetson would say.
Then there was Jake & Speed Dial. The headlines started out how they were just "platonic, longtime pals", vacationing together for New Year's. And look at how it ended - popping necks, slathering Coppertone all over each other (someone might want to tell them that nowadays sunscreen comes in a very convenient spray can), pulling down swimsuits, pulling up board shorts, all captured in something like 14 pages of photos on IHJ. ;-)
It was already looking way OTT as NY's came along, but by this morning when some of the photos came out with the Nick Jr. level of PDA, it became clear that this was way more than just about trying to counteract SXSW or the #Congras discovery.
This was about campaigning and showing that you're willing to do whatever it takes, that you'll do whatever is required of you to be accepted.
And it takes having watched these guys for the last how many years to see that they had really ramped it up further than they had for awhile. And Austin was dancing his dance for who? For Jake. Certainly not for himself because he has nothing to promote right now. I think he did it mostly for Jake. I guess Jake just wants to add another nomination (win) to his resume so badly, he was willing to really sell out this time.
Because that's what St. Bart's was - it was a total sell-out. St. Bart's is where all the narcisstic, fame-longing folks go. And it's Closet Island - all the deeply closeted, bearding folks go there to take rolls of pics and flood Just Jared and social media with them. In a nutshell.
And there was Jake. And his people pulled Jon Bon Jovi & his wife over to put a stamp of endorsement on the whole appearance.
Shame on Jon. Shame on his wife. And most of all, shame on Greta Caruso. Shame on her because she knows Jake is married. She knows he and Austin have a family, a very young family with children as little as 1 year old. And there she is doing a "are they or aren't they?" clown car show. What was this worth to her? Publicity? Money? How much did Jake pay her? What kind of bonus check did Bennet get for sticking party horns up her nose?
And today, it's radio silence. Pretty much says alot, doesn't it? I can't say anything surprises me anymore. I will always love these 2 guys - will always root for them to be free of all this garbage. This stuff started out as funny and face-palming. Then it began to turn embarrassing and finally today, it was just so sad. It was sad to see those pictures.
I hope it is worth it for Jake. He needs to get whatever it is he wants at the podium, get it out of his system, make it so that the Brokeback nomination isn't all there is on his resume, and he can keep up with all his other peers. Their kids won't know rest until he does. Their whole family won't.
Jake & Austin weren't forced to do this. They don't have to dance to the piper. It's their decision, their life journey. If this were 2005, it'd be a little different. But it's 2017 now and things have changed so much. So I'm just reacting to what I'm seeing and have the forum with which to comment about.
Jared & Jensen were doing some of the same GPS separation/distraction, although theirs was quite subdued compared to Jake & Austin. Supposedly Jared was in Hawaii with his sons (they didn't even provide any picture of Genevieve, gee imagine that), and Jensen was tweeting from somewhere, Austin TX I guess we were to presume.
But I am sure those two guys were together as well. ;-)
Can I add one more thing?
I wanted to also say that Narnia will take a Jaustin breather for a tad and hopefully next we want to take a look at what happened with Jensen and an Enty Lawyer blind reveal that was made over the weekend. It seems rather intriguing and we hope to try and speculate on what that was all about.
There's been activity on the 1D front, but maybe still a little too early to try and hope for or guess what about. What will 2017 bring? I hope good things for our OTP's, that's all.
Thank you all again for visiting. The post on Jake and "Mystery Woman" Greta Caruso just surpassed over 1000 views yesterday. That's a lot of folks. Hopefully some of what we post here gets viewers to think a bit outside the b ox and quite openly to what could be behind some of the perplexing activities and behaviors of some of our favorite guys in the deep HW closet.
:-) Thanks again!!
Well, the stunting over the holidays sure stopped abruptly, didn't it? Another sign of manufactured fakery at its best. Looking at those hundreds of pics again, it is glaringly obvious that Jake was hardly out in the sun during this so-called "fun vacation". Not a hint of reddened skin even though we are led to believe he was out there on the water, swimming, taking surfing lessons, standing around drinking, partaking in mutual sunscreen application, etc. Oh yes. PR obviously definitely wants us to think Jake was in the sun for six days straight. That's why there was even a change in swimming attire half way through. Just a little thing, but done to make the viewers think he was "vacationing" longer than he was. The curious thing is that somehow his skin remains lily white throughout each outing. Never tans. It really is hard to believe these people are professionals. Ever hear of continuity errors.
I also want to remind everyone that both Sunday and Monday were SAG holidays. No way were Jake or Austin going to violate the terms of that agreement. So the leaking of more photos during those two days is also another sign of just more smoke and mirrors to prolong the deception and make it seem like shirtless Jake was just having some extended "private" fun in the sun and sand. I mean, we all know how how he works. *rolls eyes*
Okay. *slaps hand together* Jake's been seen near a woman, skin exposed and for more than five minutes. Bring on those nominations.
Captain's Log, stardate December 30 2017. "Jake 'Toothy Tile' Gyllenhaal has stayed in St. Bart's with his platonic BFF Greta Caruso for such a super-extended, spontaneous holiday, he's decided they may as well stay for New Year's 2018 as well!" - said E!Online. "And just to be sure his husband Austin 'Grey Goose' Nichols and 7 children 'Baby Tiles' don't forget about the other head of the dinner table, the proud papa has had a box of Royal Riviera Pears from Harry & David shipped to the Family Geese with his compliments."
;D
Ha ha, ha ha. Jake still campaigning for the next round of voting - for a movie that garnered this reaction on a blog somewhere far, far away:
"I don't know if I'll be able to see it again soon. It still plays here, but I'm rather busy at the moment, so not a lot of time. I'll probably wait for the DVD."
Your movie made quite the impact there on one of your long-timers, Jake.
lol. This will be very interesting to see if Jake gets nominated for either the BAFTA's, or especially the Oscars. Austin & Jake knocked themselves out (STILL are knocking themselves out) to make the deadline and buy that nomination.
Will be very interesting. Aaah, ya just gotta love that delayed intentionally unintentional bearding.
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