Michael K Gives a Pearly White Flash - Toothy Tile Style

Once upon a time, Michael K had a bit of a soft spot for Jake Gyllenhaal.  As the years have gone by, his commentaries on Jake not only have grown fewer and far between,  but the words have also come with a nip of habanero sauce.  One could easily tell that Michael K was not quite so beguiled or charmed by Jake and the deeply closeted antics which surrounded him as he grew older.

As some may know, Jake has been photo'd lately in New York City and now St. Bart's with Greta "Speed Dial" Caruso.  The St. Bart's photo op alone consists of 134 files (photos) on 6 pages - what a way to sell a "low-key" Kevin Arnold & Winnie Cooper relationship. Alas, the lavish overkill is really all for naught; nothing to see here, folks, but sand and Coppertone.  ;-)

I feel like we've seen this movie a few thousand times before....

Here's the St. Bart's version of the GyllyPiggyback:

But I digress because we don't want to lose focus over what happened today in Michael K's column. 

OPEN POST:  HOSTED BY JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S HAIRY NIPS IN ST. BART'S
December 28, 2016  / Posted by Michael K

It’s that time of year again when those of you who live where the temperature is January Jones’ Queef  (read: ice ice cold) feel the icicles form around your frozen b-hole while looking at pictures of rich famous bitches frolic in the warm waters somewhere. One of those rich famous bitches who are frolicking in the warm waters is Jake Gyllenhaal who is spending his holiday in St. Barts.

Jake, his beard, his “pandas with jaundice” trunks and his friend (and not in a quotation marks and italics sort of way, she’s an actual friend) Greta Caruso (aka the daughter of David Caruso and Melina from the original Total Recall) were papped yesterday going for a swim in the ocean. Or if celebrities really are just like us, they were papped while taking a piss in the ocean because the bathroom is way too damn far away from their loungers. I’m going with that,  because in a few of the pictures, it looks like Jake’s Clan of the Cave Bear-looking ass is smiling the kind of relieved smile someone does while finally emptying their piss bag. And as he’s doing that, Greta is probably screaming, “Eww, Toothy Tile, aim thattaway, it’s hitting my leg!”
source 

Ouch! and a big, eye-popping whoa!!!  Not only is Michael K clearly not happy with Jake, he just outed him as one of the most famous blind items ever ... Toothy Tile.  And who is Toothy Tile?  He's a deeply closeted Hollywood actor made famous by gossip columnist Ted Casablanca in 2005. Toothy fell in love and married a fellow actor, dubbed Grey Goose (aka Austin Nichols).  According to "Ted-lore", Toothy Tile and Grey Goose settled down and are raising a secret family away from public scrutiny, in a Hollywood-style happily ever after.
   

collaborated:  Prairie Girl and Methodical Muser  
pic source:  IHJ, Daily Mail
our playlist:  Life's a Beach - Heymous Molly
                     Island Girl - Elton John