Winter Update: BFF's Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nichols are Both Back In the Saddle

What have our guys Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nichols been up to since the holidays?

A live look at the two's latest efforts at selling their fauxmances:

The seeds were planted last summer that Jakers was going to go a'courtin'.  Granted, they were some bad clearance-shelf seeds, but seeds nonetheless!  In our post during late August entitled The Summer of Jake Gyllenhaal and His "BFF" Austin Nichols - Huzzah!, we first saw some of the hinky of Jake and Jeanne Caribou, I mean Cadieu, and Austin and Chumley, I mean Hassie Harrison.  

Austin is bearding so low key, 

Narnia isn't even going to pay a visit to the Management Intern-run twitter account to swipe a peek at what he has been making a half-a**ed effort at since Christmas. 

And his hubs?  Well.......not much better of an effort.

                                                      dueling husbands


Sure, there was the big splash announcement just days before the Christmas holiday.

Jake Gyllenhaal ‘dating French model Jeanne Cadieu’ 16 years his junior https://t.co/PiKVnkQNsx

— Metro (@MetroUK) December 22, 2018

  

And one, we repeat, one photo op since this time.

Jake Gyllenhaal, 38, Enjoys a Stroll in Paris with French Model Jeanne Cadieu, 22 https://t.co/92dH8lt74L

— People (@people) December 28, 2018

 

This single photo op (which took place in Jake, Austin and their family's adopted home of France) was interspersed and sandwiched by other social media filler; i.e. yet another "screening and light refreshments", carpet sweater Instagrams and allegedly being seen socializing with fellow WME/IMG/Endeavor speed-dial client, Hugh Jackman.

[Which reminds we at Narnia, where was December pal Greta Caruso anyway???] 

Jake's fauxmance receives its oxygen supply from what is no doubt a Management Intern-run twitter account known as @CouplesLife3, which was created in December 2018 (imagine that!) and despite claiming they are into a variety of couples, their tweets are mostly about Jake and his latest beard, and including carbon copying other gossip twitters like Perez Hilton.

@CouplesLife3 exists to repeat "Jake 37, Jeanne 22" over and over, tweet pictures of Caribou half-undressed, tell everyone how Jake takes pictures of his beard, er girlfriend on the down low, but ignores her in public, repeats that the "couple" was cheating on her previous boyfriend but Jake didn't care, trash Caribou, trash Jake, did I mention trash Caribou and trash Jake?

 
There are also a few other bullet point reasons why @CouplesLife3 exists and that is to keep the following on a turning rotisserie rod with the assistance of enabling replies:

•  @CouplesLife3 is proactively trying to plant the seed that Jake has a place in France, despite the fact that Narnia Dispatches had already guessed this.  #brickandmortor  #shhhh

• @CouplesLife3 is around to demonstrate that WME/IMG/Endeavor is trying the Leo DiCaprio blueprint with Jake and, just like Leo gets to hang with Lukas Haas out in the open, they're trying to resurrect Jaustin from the ashes and act like they've always hung out together and that their two beards are great friends.

Ohhhhh look at that!  And they tried the holiday video ploy where supposedly we had Jake and Austin dancing or cavorting around at "Jake's holiday party", but the video was so dark, only the shadow knows if they were really in the tape. Imagine.  Jake and Austin have not appeared together in an arranged photo op since November 2012, and Management is trying to act as though the two men hanging together in public is as common as Ray Liotta and Chantix on television. LOL!

• @CouplesLife3 is trying to paint Jake as having a "midlife-er", ditching his younger desires for a family, and now only interested in secret NYC loft sex with his lolita.

Here's the account pointing out to everyone how Jake is not a family-inclined man because he didn't want to be "home with the fam".  Their insinuations, of course, being Maggie and her girls, but shrapnel is also intended to hit Narnia Dispatchers and insinuate there isn't any way Jake could be secretly married with children of his own. 

 













  • And last but certainly not least, @CouplesLife3 is online to sell everyone how robust and sex-driven Jake is with his lolita.  Please try to restrain yourselves as you read further.

Here's a commenter waiting for Jake to "put his brains back in his pants":

and here's the Victorian side of the twitter account talking about Jake's "manly urges":

Jake's hetero libido out of control.

Okay!

 


And just think, they're only getting started.  With Spiderman Far From Home set to open in July, no doubt we're in for more Paul Bunyan tales with Jake and Caribou.  This was just a teaser. ;-)

Well, that about covers it!  Those are our un-motivated boys.  As the great Mel Allen would have said, "How about that."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pic sources:  giphy, imgur
our playlist:  Back in the Saddle - Gene Autry
                     Here You Come Again - Dolly Parton
                     When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles
                     I Want Your Sex - George Michael