Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Narnia Said It Would Be So: The Jake Gyllenhaal/Junior "Tom" Holland Romance Pt. 1



Well, talk about a no brainer.  Narnia Dispatches had said there would be days like this and sure enough, lol.  The Far From Home "Romance" Bromance was a guaranteed thing and while the engines were a bit sluggish trying to get out of the gate, the past week or so saw some pretty heavy, asphalt-burning, rip roarin' overdrive.  


Mmmm, precisely....

Yet, for the most part, quite predictable.   We watched while the boys, WME/Endeavor/Sony/Marvel and a cast of thousands carried out the totally manufactured and contrived during this movie flick promo.  Perhaps because comic book movies are best seen without giving much away, Sony, Marvel and WME/Endeavor decided their sales pitch needed to be heavy on the bromance.  Oh wait - we mean.....romance.  

(Didn't someone here mention that before Jakers did????) Pardon Narnia!  ;-)


Hence,

 

Hmm, so he and Junior are "husbands"?  Someone might want to tell Tom Sturridge.



You know, before he actually moves into Jake's lap for the camera...


 
Don't tell Paul Dano:

  
Nor his inspiring NYC and London breakfast muse, playwright Nick Payne,


Flower bearer and a** cheek grabber Hugh Jackman,




Tom Ford, Ryan Reynolds, Michael "Mike" Pena, Bear Grylls, Henry Cavill, Brian O'Byrne, Nico Tortorella, Tony's Hottie, etcetera, etcetera.  I think you get the drift? ;-)   #wheresCaribou #wheresGreta [while we're going there, #wheresLeo #wheresPeter]

 Oh sure, there have been interviews.  Hard hitting questions like,


https://winston-wilson.tumblr.com/post/186004899471/tom-holland-between-me-and-jake-oh-its-full-on
 

Something about dinosaurs and animal impersonations (this is when experience in raising a bandwagon of children comes in handy for Jake!):



 
 

Care Bears (17k favorites and this "civilian" tweet made it to Elle's website? What crazy luck!):


 

Calling Benedict Cumberbatch "Benedict Cabbagepatch" for additional meme material.  Hmmmm....kind of interesting trick you had there, Mr. Jakers.  Wonder where that idea came from?  You have some new writing staffers???


But really, the movie promo has centered on Jake and his side car, Tom Holland.  It's possible Hobby Lobby and Michael's stores have run out of heart stickers by now, their Sony promo and social media accounts heavily and lavishly centered on the bro-straight romance.  And it seems that our former regular source of all things Jake narrative fandom and life, social media account jakebullshittingovereverybody has been sidelined. There's a new player in town and well, a real source of info, if you know what we mean.  Here's a look at promo from the "shipping" eyes of norawolf.

Here we are being told that Jake and Junior don't go anywhere without wearing matching watches!  Is this anything like Jensen and meard Misha Collins' alleged love rings?  I thought the JakeChain was supposed to mean something? The bracelet?  Neck chains, watches, pinky rings, we just cannot keep up with Jake and which boyfriend he shares which special bling with! Here's norawolf telling everyone that everywhere Jake and Jr. go, they always wear their matching watches:




Love is Love - Jake and Junior! 

 
Romantic song lyrics, all that is missing is the gondola.  ;-)  I have to say it's surprising Jared & Jensen's team did not come up with this one first for Jensen's meard, Misha Collins.  Tip of the cap to Jake's Team on this one, aye! Make a mental note, PR teams:  come up with a theme song....

 
Lots of hugs and gazing, enough to fill several flash drives, but save the Office Max expense and just go to norawolf's account where there is a plethora of "let me tell you what you're seeing" fanfic storytelling and canoodling to sate anyone's shipping appetite.  Repeat after norawolf - "Amor!"  Junior's checking to make sure the camera is capturing this embrace.

   
But let's not isolate to one source, no matter how thorough it is.  All hands are on deck to sell this romance.  Rotten Tomatoes, whose twitter provides previews, reviews, celeb birthdays, box office earnings and the like.  But for Far From Home...

Look at Rotten Tomatoes' verified Twitter account selling Far From Home as a "legitimate" romance between Jake and Holland and - A Story of Love:

 


Is anyone really surprised by Entertainment Weekly with their lavish photo and video spread, though?

 

But then, even Stephen Colbert.  Even Stephen Colbert was called upon to talk up the heart eyes.




The Stephen Colbert Show was also the platform used to let everyone know that Jakester and Junior "worked out" together and Junior ended up "sore" after their workout.




Junior "couldn't walk"  was the theme this story was intended to meme.  And Junior launched it on a high profile talk show. 




 

"worked over"


























 

And then there was this tasteless "Happy Pride" take on the crying picture of Junior after being"worked out", I mean after working out:


     
And using #1 rated LGBTQ entertainment and news website Queerty to inflate the Crying Tom meme "likes" with this robot: 




Wow!  Boy, that Jakester is a real bruiser, isn't he?  I guess that black and blue ensemble he wore during promo was supposed to be some kind of subliminal message?  [Let's forget that Junior is a young man with a dancer's body] and doesn't really look like he ignores the gym.






Mmmhmmm...

Even People.com got in on the "gym workover" meme:


Could it be this was the reason why Jake's social media search for about the past 6-9 months has been obsessed with the whole Brokeback first-night-in-the-tent and Ennis (Heath) "pounding" Jack Twist, with numerous tweets like this one which (allegedly by a civilian) received over 100k likes and over 25k retweets.  


 

Now, there are tweets like this one:


 

"character development"?  "Happy Pride" yet again?  I think we're seeing some kind of a homophobic trend here.

 

Unrelated to FFH, but again, notice a trend...



 

And then there was this fake "almost kiss",  yet another nod to Jensen Ackles and meard Misha Collins who had the fake makeout at JibCon.  Let's recall that Jus En Bello moment from 2014:


Again, PR teams all borrow from the same handbook (or in the case of Jake's team, they're also borrowing from what they see the other teams doing via Narnia because hey, saves an email or phone call, right, PR?).  Here's Junior putting the moves on Jake with the almost-smooch.  Check it out:


 

Oh come on, boys.  "Straight Up romances" should be "fleshed out", don't you think?  Don't cop out now, the masses want to see. A03 writers can all use some physical inspiration, after all. ;-)

Not to worry, this "mating dance" of Gyllenholland will have plenty of future opportunity.  ;-) 


Part 2

pic sources:  tumblr, giphy, CDAN

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