Remember that scene in the Disney movie Pollyanna, where the young niece of Aunt Polly is hiding in the large potted plant outside of the conservatory and she catches the attention of Dr. Chilton? "Oh, no. I'm just a child. I'm not even supposed to be here! Shh!"
One of the more entertaining rewards of following a closeted OTP is when one half is caught where he isn't supposed to be, usually discovered via a tweet from an unsuspecting source who has no idea what he/she has just done with their revelation. A few of those sweet Texas Tweets that have been found in the past:
From Austin, TX:
Cornbread Fed (@_savanahiza) 3/18/15, 21:03 Swear to god I saw Jake Gyllenhal today
Austin, TX:
Wilson Garrett (@wilsonthepigeon) 8/24/13, 14:12 I'm about 800% certain that jake gyllenhaal was in that tuxedo shop..
Plano TX from 2013 (which was not on Smarp for long but we have this notification that it did exist)
For those who have followed Jake Gyllenhaal's career over these many years, one has grown to expect movie promo season to end up being an awkward combination of standard attention seeking antics pieced together with a large dose of image management.
The marketing process is a recognizable one. Behind the scenes machinations and maneuverings carefully designed to look spontaneous are set into motion by an assortment of handlers. Contrived to fit the shifting narrative of the moment, everyone plays their parts as off-limit topics are painstakingly blacklisted by shady publicists, scripted interviews with made-up quotations are distributed online, and enforced embargoes are placed on bad reviews. Within this highly controlled environment (and Jake's public image is more contrived than most), to presume that the so-called "blow-up" with Tim Jonze of The Guardian was an expression of any kind of sincere reproach is simply not familiar with Jake's Kabuki theater posturing, which becomes even more opportunistic during the flashy media blitz of promo season.
Recent headlines:
Jake Gyllenhaal: 'I would love to not talk about my personal life'
Jake Gyllenhaal makes it clear he doesn't want to talk about Taylor Swift
Tom Hiddleston speaks out: 'All I wanted was to be an actor'
Don't Ask Jake Gyllenhaal or Tom Hiddleston about Taylor Swift
Jake Gyllenhaal confesses he can 'push things too far' for film roles
Jake Gyllenhaal: 'Pushing myself is part of my life'
I'm sure there is little surprise, at this point, that Tom Hiddleston and Jake Gyllenhaal just happen to both be repped by mega agency WME-IMG. And Taylor Swift by IMG. In fact, watching the harebrained spectacle that was Hiddleswift unfold last summer was a cringey reminder of Jake's own 48-day apple picking, ice cream licking, Thanksgiving eating fauxmance with the queen of beards back in 2010. Jake may not have worn a meme-worthy t-shirt, but he had his own face-palming puffy jacket moments that will live on in infamy. Birds of a feather as they say.
And, let's not forget how these oh-so-private people kicked off their very public fauxmances. Hiddleston and Swift were "caught" dancing at the Met Gala and Jake and Swift were "spotted" at an SNL rehearsal. Way to keep those relationships private, fellas. So let's debunk one of those headlines right now. Tim Jonze's question did not make Jake mad. Jake knew the topic was coming. His bulging eyeball "outrage" served several purposes though. The intrusive journalist who just doesn't know his place and the victimized Jake Gyllenhaal who simply wants to talk about his craft. Remember, closeted actors love to rage on and on about their personal lives being off limits (Jake especially, given the unique complications of his closet which contains kids and a marriage to Austin Nichols). But, that anger is invariably contradicted by how they then sell their private lives to the public based on a prescribed narrative of how they want their image to be sold. Translation: STRAIGHT
I'm tough
Jake's unique brand of image shaping has been particularly obvious during the current promo campaign for Life. From the fake outrage over a Taylor Swift question in The Guardian, quickly followed by an Esquire article
that portrays Jake as the "best actor of our generation" and "the most
magnetic male lead in American film," the heavy handed message is loud and clear.
Only speak to me about my work. Oh, and by the way, I'm great at what I do. But, otherwise, I'm simply much too private for any other
piddly discussion. Even though I'll happily talk about my undying "bromance" with my
sexy co-star, Ryan Reynolds, and how I cook better than his "wife," and live in the 'burbs
next to him with my specially trained service dog, Leo." Whoa! Slow down there, Jake. People might actually begin to think that you want the public to know these "private" things about you and that...oh, riiight. You do.
Stepping back to look at the larger picture, the faux anger of those in the entertainment industry bellyaching about their privacy is truly "sound and fury, signifying nothing." Inasmuch as that projected offense is more often than not immediately contradicted by the "personal" blubberings and staged pap walks of the celebrity, the manipulation is obvious. The PR image is then sold to a variety of cooperative media outlets who are more than willing to spread the official narrative in exchange for clicks on their website, monetary compensation or future access to a celebrity. The transference of blame is also part of the neatly wrapped package. Management teams love to accuse fans and fandoms of "writing" delusional fan fic whenever anyone dares to see beneath the official Flat Stanley narratives that are being thrust upon the public. But, the true purveyors of Wattpad storytelling are the managers, agents and publicists themselves, who exploit the closet and groom their clients into what they perceive to be more "acceptable" (i.e., profitable) human beings.
Hard to imagine today but, prior to 2012, the true Jake Gyllenhaal was not a one trick pony of sturm und drang unease. His public persona back then tended to be fun-loving, approachable, appreciative of fans, sweet-natured, lighthearted, sensitive, and charmingly dorky. Reasonably distanced from the eerily weird and vain performer who now demands to be recognized as the most gifted and respected actor around. *Cough* At least that is how his management team has been selling him to the public over these last five years. The mainstreamed message found in interviews and particularly on social media, where the whining never seems to stop.
The Jake of old played the game when he was in his twenties, but he also rebelled. He was a man very much living his life in public (e.g., parties, special events, social causes, restaurants, coffee shops, dog parks, gyms, medical center appointments, shopping, cycling, playing sports, fauxmance escapades, etc.), but still teasing out clues about the true love of his life. He would pepper interviews with double entendre exchanges, wear personally expressive attire and jewelry/accessories, and in 2005-06 even tip-toed around the idea of actually coming out. Back then Jake made sure to be openly seen with Austin Nichols on innumerable occasions, visibly living his life for the public to see. All the viewer had to do was just look a little deeper.
This visual stroll down memory lane almost makes Jake seem human, doesn't it? So what in the heck happened? Even after the introduction of Family Tile in October, 2007 Jake continued for many years to telegraph his personal situation. He essentially lived his life, for the most part, unapologetically and recognizably as Jake Gyllenhaal. Not happy with bearding (Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift providing us with massive evidence of discomfort and awkwardness), but still interacting with the world around him. That is until Jake decided that his secret and very complicated life needed a new narrative to hide behind. Part of the problem with the psychology of the closet is that self-perception becomes distorted. Self-esteem suffers. One becomes hermetically sealed, living in a bubble wrapped environment of like-minded facilitators who may act like they have your best interests at heart, but who really enjoy the added control and dependency that living a lie exacerbates. And that includes family, friends and colleagues, as inner circles become smaller and smaller. In the early part of the 21st century the argument was that American audiences (i.e., Middle America) were just not ready to accept the idea of two men together. Now, in the wake of legalized marriage, the argument is that globalization means that homophobic, anti-democratic cultures ten thousand miles away get to dictate the rules of the game. Money, once again, the determining factor. Freedom a disposable commodity.
Enter WME in 2012 and it is easy to see the noticeable transformation into the brooding, bearded, reclusive curmudgeon that Jake still projects today. No more beating around the bush with clever magazine titles like "The Two Jakes." Just a frozen-in-time man suddenly unconcerned about grooming or acknowledging his love for cashmere socks and antique tea sets. Continuously wearing work "uniforms"of khaki green pants, bland shirts/hoodies of shadeless black, "spiced up" by somber grays. Shoes scuffed up, dimples hidden by unkempt beards, once neatly stylized hair covered by snapbacks and knitted caps to hide the point in time when the pics were actually taken for later damage control distribution.
Jake and Austin - Berlinale Film Festival, Feb 2012 (right before WME reign took hold)
Post Berlinale:
the uniform
Scuffed shoes
Beanie
During this transitional period, tweets began to appear that referenced Jake's rudeness and annoyance with fans, his sudden penchant for public smoking and his late night excursions (unattached bachelor, after all). Printed interviews written by hacks supported the public pivot as well, publishing manufactured quotes from Jake about his inability to settle down due to his obvious aversion to intimacy and commitment. The ol' "it's not them, it's me" meme. To further explain Jake's loner persona, baffling questions about whether he had children, or if he was gay, appeared in articles to create "on the record" source material.
The reality is that no matter how entertaining a stunt might appear at first glance, don't be fooled by the smoke and mirror gymnastics of either The Guardian interview which was tactically published last week, or the seemingly lighthearted queerbaiting that began at SXSW. The public is being played right now. And that public includes Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal who do indeed have much in common upon closet closer inspection with their mutually shared WME yoke.
Never before seen photo: Ryan and Jake
These two men have been told to put on a show. To sing and dance, giggle, exchange recipes, and pretend-kiss for many reasons, least of which is to bury Jake's real husband and family. And the man he truly is. Hiding in plain sight, Ryan can ramp up the gay because his public choices project a "decent" home life with a "wife" and "children." Jake, on the other hand, having chosen a more unchartered path apparently is still not confident enough to navigate his choices with more dignity or integrity. Don't forget that homoerotic frolicking is very much sanctioned by the Powers That Be as long as the real love of Jake's life is nowhere in sight and will soon be humiliated once again by his ho-hum fauxmance showing up at yet another strategically timed convention (the Heroes Something Something Con 2017) today, coincidentally the day after Jake's movie opened in theaters.
In 1955, Milton Mayer wrote a provocative and disturbing examination of fascism in the Nazi state called, They Thought They Were Free. Out of the many revealing stories that he tells, a favorite quote firmly informs this discussion. Maybe even defines it.
"Men who do not know that they were slaves,
do not know that they have been freed."
I suspect Jake might throw a hissy fit to have his current behavior be called almost Trump-esque in its audacity and mendacity, but the comparison cannot be ignored. Propaganda is propaganda. Lies are nevertheless lies. Death by a thousand cuts still leaves scars. When all is said and done, it is fitting that the space horror movie that opened yesterday in theaters, is about an alien form of life. After experiencing Media Jake for an entire week, it just may be that he was miscast once again.
pic sources: Just Jared, IHJ our playlist: Instant Kharma - John Lennon You Ain't So Tough - Heart Brokeback Mountain Suite - The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
Another day, another peek-see at the Life movie Spring Break World Tour and Narnia has picked up another souvenir, this pick-up more along the lines of a cute trinket.
This quote was one of those second-glance moments.
"Patience has never been my strongest virtue and I work on it on a daily basis.
I heard from somebody that the type of personality that they were looking for going to Mars was like stamp collectors, um...because I think there's an attention on and a focus, a meticulousness to detail. Um, that is very particular in that kind of personality and I um even have a hard time even licking a stampand putting it on an envelope, let alone even organizing them like, on a folder so I think I would be the wrong person." - Jake Gyllenhaal
And it took a minute to sink in, but then I realized what he had said: "licking a stamp".
This was not an urban dictionary use of the term, Jake was referring to the actual licking of postage stamps and placing them on letter envelopes.
The video at 03:00:
A few facts about the United States post office and lickable vs. self-adhesive stamps:
• In 1995, less than 20% of the United States' stamps were self adhesive
• One year later, by 1996, over 60% of the country's stamps were self-adhesive
• By 1999, the figure was over 87%
• By 2000, over 90% of the nation's supply was self-adhesive source
From a Q&A dated January 16, 2008:
Q: Are all US postage stamps now self-adhesive?
A: Nope, some are still "water-activated". Just ask at the counter in your post office and they will show you a book of all the stamp types they currently have. source
And now, a Narnia "exclusive". A rare photo of Jake at the front counter of his local postal office asking to see the big postal book of lickable stamps available for purchase:
All chuckling aside, hearing Jake talk about licking stamps and
sticking them on envelopes does indeed cause a pause and pivot in
step. While the movie Life is about space exploration and living in
the foreseeable future, it would seem that there are still times when
Jake is stuck in a time warp. Either that or his accumulated years in
the closet are starting to show.
collaborated by Prairie Girl and M&M
pic sources: Yelp and beaumont enterprise
our playlist: Strawberry Letter 23 - The Brothers Johnson
Narnia Dispatches wishes everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day, an observance and honorary salute to the patron saint of Ireland, St Patrick. All parts of Ireland celebrate the country's heritage and the holiday has become the most celebrated national festival, according to Wiki.
And so first we enjoy the green, lush landscape of Ireland (thank you, Reddit!) and now, in no particular order except for our lead-off, let's enjoy our favorite men as they adorn the green.....
First up, Mr. Niall Horan, of course!
Mr. Dylan O'Brien...
Mr. Austin Nichols...
Mr. Liam Payne...
Mr. Jensen Ackles...
Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal...
The stately Wentworth Miller...
The ever fashionable Mr. Harry Styles...
Mr. Zayn Malik...
Mr. Jared Padalecki...
Mr. Adam Levine...
Mr. Eric "Hos" Hosmer with the Scotts...
Mr. Adam Lambert...
Mr. Blake Shelton (looking mighty fine by a green truck)...
Mr. Mike "Moose" Moustakas...
Thevenerable Mr. Louis Tomlinson...
And our crescendo comes from Mr. Kristopher Allen...
Difficult to imagine the wearing of the green getting any better than from those young men up above.
